书中自有颜如玉，书中自有黄金屋

I have a very bad habit. I tend to think alot when I am reading a book or watching a show. I once read a book abt a gal who lost all hope to live. Inside the book, most of the words centered on why it is pointless to continue living, there is no joy in living... My ex noticed that i became moody during that period, 沉默寡言，闷闷不乐. She later got angry with me. I threw away that book which i never finish reading.

During my stay in tokyo, i read 老子，庄子，列子，孙子，孟子 and 资治通鉴 (simplified version of cse). On the other hand, YG was there, the ultra modern n hip guy. So most of my free time in Tokyo was spent thinking abt what i want as my way of life. The classic or the modern? In the end, the classic won and i present 老子 thinking as a way of management in my HRM class.

During my 4th year of uni life, the stressful fyp and my cousin determination to convert me to christian lead me to further understand the teaching of buddhism. i thou i ustd (not fully of cse) the meaning of 色即是空, 空即是色 n 无苦集灭道, 无智亦无得, 以无所得故.

Last week, i chanced upon a novel online. It was quite interesting, abt a 16 yr old average guy who did something very evil. He realise his mistake n start to try to correct his wrong doings. In the end, he became this super nice guy in sch n everybody love him. But he occasionally get the attack of the conscience and feel bad of his past wrong doings. I dont know what is the ending. The problem with online novel is the author can post n write as n when he like. This novel havent got an ending yet.

my mind keep thinking whether i am a nice guy or not. is it silly that i keep doing nice stuff for others? isnt it even sillier that i never expect anybody to repay or be nice to me? i havent reach that honourable stage of 燃烧自己 照亮他人, but suddenly, i feel that i havent being living my life. I seem to be always there for others rather than myself. Suddenly I feel that living is tough. Hence, the 神魔交战 n 魔障.