An ending and a new begining

My blog with blogger have been ard for abt 8 mths+. Ended with a good note. I will be moving over to msn now as it is more user-friendly.

http://spaces.msn.com/alextanyk/

有心为善，其善不赏；无意为恶，其恶不罚。

Was thinking abt this problem over this weekend. Mind is in a mess, until i took so long to write a simple code of looking for 2 digits out of 3 digit of random order. Systematic mind de-functioning.

This morning was tossing ard in bed at 10+ (slept at 2 am last night after getting fed-up w DG and went to watch Harry Potter at LSC instead) and realise what is wrong with me.

I am still living my own life. I am forcing myself to live a life of a super nice guy. I want to be that nice guy. I am trying to achieve nibbana. 矫枉过正，必自毙！I made the ultimate mistake of being too 执著 and forgetting the meaning of 心无挂碍. Remember i saw this somewhere in a temple in Spore something like, cant really remember 为善欲人知即是伪善，行恶恐人晓当为假恶. Thing become much clearer now.

So, what's next?

真正学习放下执著，随缘自在。凡是不可强求，行善即是如此。

为恶畏人知。恶中尚有转念。为善欲人知。善处即是恶根。

书中自有颜如玉，书中自有黄金屋

I have a very bad habit. I tend to think alot when I am reading a book or watching a show. I once read a book abt a gal who lost all hope to live. Inside the book, most of the words centered on why it is pointless to continue living, there is no joy in living... My ex noticed that i became moody during that period, 沉默寡言，闷闷不乐. She later got angry with me. I threw away that book which i never finish reading.

During my stay in tokyo, i read 老子，庄子，列子，孙子，孟子 and 资治通鉴 (simplified version of cse). On the other hand, YG was there, the ultra modern n hip guy. So most of my free time in Tokyo was spent thinking abt what i want as my way of life. The classic or the modern? In the end, the classic won and i present 老子 thinking as a way of management in my HRM class.

During my 4th year of uni life, the stressful fyp and my cousin determination to convert me to christian lead me to further understand the teaching of buddhism. i thou i ustd (not fully of cse) the meaning of 色即是空, 空即是色 n 无苦集灭道, 无智亦无得, 以无所得故.

Last week, i chanced upon a novel online. It was quite interesting, abt a 16 yr old average guy who did something very evil. He realise his mistake n start to try to correct his wrong doings. In the end, he became this super nice guy in sch n everybody love him. But he occasionally get the attack of the conscience and feel bad of his past wrong doings. I dont know what is the ending. The problem with online novel is the author can post n write as n when he like. This novel havent got an ending yet.

my mind keep thinking whether i am a nice guy or not. is it silly that i keep doing nice stuff for others? isnt it even sillier that i never expect anybody to repay or be nice to me? i havent reach that honourable stage of 燃烧自己 照亮他人, but suddenly, i feel that i havent being living my life. I seem to be always there for others rather than myself. Suddenly I feel that living is tough. Hence, the 神魔交战 n 魔障.

最近....

最近忙吗？

忙，超忙。

忙什麽？

忙打战。

打战？

神魔交战！

--------------

最近好吗？

不好。

干吗不好？病了？

重病。

看医生了吗？

没。无济於事。

啊？是心病？

不是。是魔障！

Beautiful, isnt it

Beautiful, isnt it? Only when u love the codes u r coding, feel the beauty in it, will u be willing to spend time talking to it. :P